Fear is a powerful emotion. Since I was a child, my parents instilled a general fear of many things and activities particularly if it involved any risk. They actually forbid me from certain recreations because they were too dangerous. They would often dwell on the worst case scenario and over-emphasis the possibility of injury. They even used fear to deter me from misbehaving. “Make sure you behave or ‘El cucuy’ (the mexican version of the boogeyman) will get you”. I have mixed feeling about this approach but realize it negatively impacted aspects my of life in my teen and young adult years.
I really started processing this dealing with my move to Guam. Guam was a huge uncertainty and this was a challenge. Leaving my family and friends, I was left worrying about if I was going to establish any relationships in Guam. I came to the realization that wasn’t putting my trust in God’s plan. After 2 years of living in Guam, I have made huge strides to overcome my fears and anxieties. First, I had overcame my fear of the ocean. It kind of seemed like a prerequisite living on an island. We started snorkeling as a family. The learning experience interacting with the reef ecosystem and the opportunities to bond as a family reinforced my plight. Next, there was scuba diving. I wrestled with this one for almost two years and had many doubts about overcoming my agoraphobic anxiety I experience being underwater. I recent family vacation to Palau become that catalyst I needed to step forward again. Part of it was the amazing things I saw snorkeling and the even more amazing things that I was missing deeper below. The other inspiration was seen my kids overcome their fears. They were challenged to interact with dolphins and swim with the jellyfish (Jellyfish Lake). After these experiences, their fears were replaced with exhilaration. For days, they went on and on about how “ they weren’t afraid of the jellyfish or the dolphins because they were their friends now”.
Well, my adventure to conquer my fear of scuba diving started 6 days ago. It started with some classroom work and a test. I breezed through this part. The rest of the course was in the water orienting myself to the equipment and performing skills underwater. I learned to breathe with the regulator, practiced buoyancy exercises and learned to retrieve a lost regulator. At the end of the class, I was asked to remove my mask under water and put it back on. For some, this may not be an issue, but it became my big hurdle. First of all, I have issues with water in my eyes particularly saltwater. No biggie but I learned to close my eyes and blink a bunch after clearing my mask. The big problem was water getting in my nose. I found out that I have a hard time just breathing through my mouth. With each mouth breath, I breath just a little with my nose. This does not work underwater when your mask is off. It also fogs up the mask when it is on. When I took my mask off underwater for this skill, I immediately sucked water into my nose and got the sensation of drowning. I panicked and shot for the surface. The day ended with me stuck on this skill. That feeling of drowning stayed with me all night and carried over into the next days dive. I had a complete meltdown with my instructor and had to call the days instruction off even before we got started. I was paralyzed by my anxiety and all my childhood doubts started coming back. I felt like I was failing and that compounded the problem.
I went home deflated resolving to sleep the day away. Andrew, being Mr. Fix-it, took me to the pool to practice. I started getting used to the feeling of water going up my nose. This really did help. The next morning I decided I was only going to listen to relaxing music and prepare my mind for the day. We started off with the easier skills to build up to the mask removal skill. I realized I needed to plug my nose and the instructor was cool with that. I removed my mask and plugged my nose before I let my fearful thoughts consume me. I just started singing a song in my head to distract me. The only song that came to my head was “Lord I lift your name on high”. It calmed me down and after my minute was up my mask was back on and I had completed my task.
Today was my last set of dives to complete the course but this requiring doing all my skills at 30ft and 60ft. I was previously doing all my skills at a safe depth of 10ft. Despite some intense nerves at breakfast, I did great on my first 2 dives and the associated skills. Andrew was able to join me on my last dive, Gab Gab 2. We made our descent to the top of the reef at about 50ft. We settled in first with some fun with the fish feeding station but quickly moved to the business of removing my mask at depth. I worked through the skill but this time I sang these lyrics “Today is the day You have made, I will rejoice and be glad in it, and I won`t worry about tomorrow, I`m giving you my fears and sorrows, where you lead me I will follow, I'm trusting in what you say, Today is the day”. As I completed the task, a wave of exhilaration came over me because I knew at that point I was certified!
